i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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