i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize