New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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