I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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