I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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