White coat. Heels.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
