Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
