i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
