I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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