So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
