My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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