Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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