Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
