im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
