dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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