as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Randomize
