proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
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