Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My first STD was from a foam party
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
