The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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