my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize