what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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