I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize