Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
