Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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