Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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