She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
