The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
