i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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