Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
