my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
