The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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