theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
