You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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