Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
