We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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