mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
