when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
