i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
