Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
