Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
