Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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