I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
