I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
