I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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