Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
