look no pants
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
