Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
