Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
