Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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