Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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