I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
