Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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