The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
