there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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