Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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