I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
