Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
