I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He did a backflip because drugs
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