I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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